So today was orientation for University. It was definitely a lot smoother than my mind had played it out. Anxiety has gone out the window, and I’m feeling very confident.
I finish my first semester in November, and then I get off for the holidays. I’m going to be very busy now because I’m moving to a new house in February as well. I may only have the time to write on weekends; which means my manuscript will take longer.
I sit on this summit of stones; cool winter breeze upon my face, hair flowing.
The greater light reigns high in the sky beginning its descend.
I am surrounded by the remnants of nature, the gems of this City.
Squirrels roam these fields, digging for their hidden treasure.
The plane above invades my solace, reminding me of where I am.
I open my eyes to see standing before me, man made towers.
I always talk about how much I hate the City, and want to move to the Country. Truth be told I prefer living in the City. The City I live in is New York; the City that never sleeps. The convenience, and ease of living here can never be found in the Country. New York has twenty-four hour stores within walking distance, and buses or subways that run non-stop. My children have access to many free programs at the local library here, and participate regularly. The Country is certainly a place where you need a car to get around, and I don’t have my license yet. The buses stop running, and the stores close early. I certainly enjoy the open space, fresh air, and seclusion in the Country. I just may be the person who gets a vacation home in the Country; yet remains living in the City.
This past December, I took my daughters into Manhattan on the subway to see the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center. We were unable to get close because there were protests going on; however we did get to enjoy the beautiful decorations no other City could give. The crowds were annoying, and I certainly don’t enjoy that at all. The Country would probably provide more room, and space to breath. We were able to get into the City quickly by riding the subway, and we didn’t have to worry about missing the last bus. I visited my cousin once in the Country for vacation, and got stranded at the Mall at night because I missed the last bus. I had to call my cousin to come, and get me; walking home would have been impossible it was off to the side of a major highway.
The convenience of open stores is one of the greatest benefits of living in the City. I remember getting home late from Manhattan with the kids from an event. We hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner, and it was too late to cook anything. We were able to grab a pizza, and salad at the local store. This chicken place stays open past midnight, and they sell a variety of foods. If I were in the Country this would not have been a possibility, and I would have had to cook something; or buy something from seven-eleven. I lived in Phillipsburg, New Jersey ten years ago. I thankfully lived near a seven-eleven that stayed open. I would walk through the field, and cross the freight train tracks to get to seven-eleven; sometimes very late at night.
I home school my children so we frequent the local library often. Our library is in walking distance, and provides loads of free programs on a daily basis. My children have been able to join clubs, and participate in wildlife programs. Funding is accessible when you live in a major City. I remember when I lived in Phillipsburg; programs had to shut down due to limited or lack of funding. The one program I did enjoy in the Country was their Head Start program. It is unfortunate that some children have to lose involvement in programs that could be extremely beneficial to their well- being. Every child deserves to have access to free educational programs.
There are certainly advantages, and disadvantages to living in either place. I just find the City to be an exciting place to live, and it is so diverse. The convenience as a Mother makes my life a lot easier. As I said before, the Country has its benefits as well, and someday I just may get a vacation house outside of the City. I know someday when I am ready to retire, I just may leave for good. I would love to grow a garden, and have some livestock. For now I will enjoy New York as much as I can. I’ve got too many memories attached here, and a family history of immigration to Manhattan from the 1880’s. So I’m a New Yawka, it’s just a part of who I’ll always be.
I drew inspiration for the protagonist from my own loss. My Mom passed in 2010.
I don’t remember my birthdays anymore. I’ve left them behind the day the woman who gave me life was gone. What good would this day do me; if all it did was remind me of her? I lay in bed trying to avoid every person who knew this day once existed. Why did they feel the need to torture me with their joy? Their smiles burned holes in my soul like acid. I just want to sleep until tomorrow; I’ll come out of my cave when this pain has passed over me.
They can have the cake; the wishes; even the god damn balloons. They are the ones who want that stuff anyway. “Go ahead, eat your fucking cake, and blow out the damn candles.” You can take this day as your own, then you’ll have two days to celebrate. Please don’t search for me, I never sent an S.O.S.
Curled in a ball like a fetus again with the blankets over my head to drown the sun; I can see her image in my mind. She smiles at me, and I could hear her voice so clear. “Happy Birthday.” Oh this mind has become my enemy too; it won’t let me forget the memories of you. I do not wish to surrender to this joy. Why are you trying to make me feel? The numbness is what has kept me alive. To feel is to remember, and I do not want to go to that place again.
Slumber calls me after the agony of existing awake on this god forsaken day. Sleep gives me peace, it is the only place I am free from everything. The clouds dance in the sky above; while the birds sing in harmony. I sit in the sun alone, I am free. I rise to my feet, and run. I run so fast like I was late for something but I didn’t know what.
Awake so suddenly to the sound of birds singing outside the window. Alas, the day has passed. I made it again! I don’t know how long I can keep this up but for now I will take this success. I can live beyond the day that once connected us two. Never, will you find me celebrating apart from the woman who gave me life. That was our day, a day she loved to remember.
Climbing ruthlessly toward this
Summit of dreams; yet every
Time the top is reached it grows.
Problems arise, people mock, life
Beats us; arms tired, legs weary
But the dream is waiting.
Shake it off, believe, give it all
You’ve got; reach for what seems